For You
by fallinstars09
Summary: Martins addiction has made him a new man, what changes will he make in his life?


For You

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Without A Trace, although I wouldn't mind my own Martin. I also don't own the song, it's by Blue October, called "Hate Me". I'm not making any kind of profit on this either.**

**A/N: This is my second Martin/Samantha fic. I heard this song two days ago and every time I heard it after that I kept thinking of Martin and his addiction and his relationship with Samantha. Hope you all enjoy it!**

"_Martin, it's me Samantha. I was-uh-I was just calling to see how you were tonight. I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but I wanted to make sure you were alright. You didn't exactly look the best today at the office. I guess I'll uh see you tomorrow, then. Bye. I…um…I love you."_

_"I love you"_ why did those words have to still have such an effect on him. It hurt to hear her voice; it hurt to see her everyday. Everything that had to do with her hurt. The thing that hurt most though was that he left her, but she still loved him. After everything he did, or actually he didn't do for her. This time was the exact opposite of the first time they tried to 'date'. Instead of her being the inconsiderate one and selfish it was him.

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head  
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed  
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone  
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home  
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain  
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?  
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?  
And will you never try to reach me?  
It is I that wanted space_

He couldn't handle a relationship this time, it was entirely his fault. He knew that, that's why he ended it. He wasn't happy with everything in his life, including her. It was strange, from the moment he first laid eyes on her she was all he ever wanted. Then he had her, but she wasn't fitting up to his standards, so he left her. Then she wanted to change and give them another shot and he agreed. So they gave it another shot, but for some reason he just couldn't be happy, so he left her once again.

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

He wasn't able to be there for her like she was for him; he tried to make it work. He could see in her eyes though that she was becoming unhappy and he was already past the point of being unhappy. That's why he was standing here now with his bags packed ready to take the next flight out. He couldn't stay in New York any longer he had to get out and start over. Away from the people, away from his family, away from the memories, mostly away from her. He knew if he stuck around she would never move on. She would keep him in her thoughts and never let those thoughts rest. He knew if he left without saying goodbye she would possibly never forgive him and eventually let him go. He also knew that what he was doing was the most hurtful and selfish thing he had ever done and probably ever would do. What he was about to do, walking away from this life, was worse than his addiction.

_I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with  
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again  
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night  
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight  
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate  
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take  
So I'll drive so fing far away that I never cross your mind  
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

The addiction, something else she helped him with. She confronted him about it and made him see that he couldn't get over it by himself and that he needed help, badly. She helped him, she made Danny go with him to the meetings. Then the night after the first meeting she was there waiting for him at his front step. He asked her in that night and she held him as the tremors and withdrawals set in. He knew he never would have gotten through it had she not been there that night, or the next night, or the night after that. For an entire week she stayed there every night. She called Jack the morning after his first meeting and told him that he was coming down with the flu so he was taking the next week off. She left him alone during the days to let him know she trusted him, but in the nights she always came back. She knew he couldn't make it through the night with his demons so she stayed. She held him as he sat on the floor of his living room and cried. Even after she left him on his own she called every night before she went to bed to let him know that she was there if he needed her. It wasn't the meetings that got him through his addiction, while that certainly helped, it was mainly her.

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

Then six months after he was sober, they were back to square one with their relationship. Only this time she knew what she wanted and that was him. He thought he wanted her, but as time went on he knew that to be a lie. He tried for nearly a year and couldn't do it any longer. He ended it two nights ago and told her he needed space. He couldn't handle the job and a relationship at the same time. Another lie and one she saw right through. He couldn't bring himself to be man enough to tell her that he just wasn't happy with her. He wasn't happy with his life. Since his addiction he became someone new, someone that he didn't like. He was cold and jaded. He couldn't put her through that, he couldn't put her through him being unhappy. So he left her, again.

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"  
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"_

She told him before she walked out his front door for the last time that she would still love him no matter what. He couldn't let her live through that kind of pain. So here he was looking around one last time at his apartment. The place that held so many memories both good and bad. He knew that they, and by they he meant the team, would look for him so he left a note telling them not too. He had to leave this life behind and start over new somewhere else. No one in his family knew he was leaving and he would call them once he got settled somewhere else. He was heading towards California, whether he made it there or not he didn't know if he would. If some place caught his interest he would stop there and possibly make a life for himself. He just couldn't do that in New York, he couldn't be happy.

_Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

He would miss everyone, her especially. He still loved her, he just wasn't happy with her or anyone here. Nothing in his life made sense and he had to go find that one thing that did make sense. He had to find his happiness. Hopefully she wouldn't hate him forever and that she would forgive him after awhile, but most of all he hoped she stopped loving him. So she could move on and find the happiness that he knew he might not ever find again. With that thought Martin walked out of his front door to start his new life, one where he could hopefully be happy.

_For you  
For you  
For you_

The End


End file.
